CW: Mentions of diet and exercise

As you know by now, I’m a curmudgeon. So you should not be surprised that I don’t go in for New Year’s resolutions. Resolving to do my Duolingo Latin lessons every day seems great when I’m on vacation, but when classes start up again and the owl begins to pester me for missing a day, I quickly regret my life choices. Somehow, my failure to do what the owl wants becomes a measure of my worth as a human, and things devolve from there.

Resolutions seem precision engineered to trigger shame and come at a time when many folks are emotionally and physically exhausted. In other words:

exhaustion + being encouraged to set overly ambitious goals + life being life = SHAME SPIRAL

Maybe you love resolutions and aren’t prone to shame spirals, but I hope you’ll agree with me that weight- and exercise-based resolutions don’t belong in the workplace. If your employer encourages you to make or share these kinds of resolutions, or if your coworker Blarblara just won’t stop talking about her “goal to get swole” in 2020, then this guide is for you. I’ve organized the options in ascending order of engagement with other people, with Option 1 requiring the least and Option 4 the most. Option 5 is its own beast.

Option 1: Scripts for Yourself (aka, Stopping the Shame Spiral)

If you don’t want to push back on a workplace resolution-fest in ways that other people will notice, you can always practice good, old-fashioned, positive self-talk! Here are some things you can tell yourself if you start feeling guilty about not resolving to become an ultramarathoner or to live only on windfall fruits:

1. I make smart choices about how to care for myself every day.
2. I am good at deciding what is best for me and my body.
3. Other people’s goals aren’t my own. I can set my own goals and go at my own pace.
4. Wow, good for them! I hope their choices make them happy. I am happy with my own choices.

Option 2: Scripts for changing the subject

Citing my sources: I have to give credit to Captain Awkward and Ask a Manager for teaching me the glorious stealth strategy of changing the subject. (If you’re not already reading those two blogs, I highly recommend them.)

When Chardington in the cubicle next to you won’t stop talking about how keto (a diet only shown to be effective for controlling certain kinds of epilepsy in children) is going to cure his warts and make him look like Henry Cavill, you can pull a subject switcheroo on him:

1. Interesting! What did you think about how much Henry Cavill grunts in The Witcher?
2. Wow, good luck with that! I’m hoping to get your input on that new project. What do you think of [X] strategy?

3. Good for you! What…OH MY GOD! IT’S BATHTUB GERALT!*

   *Only use if the person is especially annoying or persistent.

If someone is asking you about your resolutions and you either don’t make them or don’t want to share, you can still switcheroo on them if you add a mild deflection first. Most of these involve asking the person a question about them because people generally like talking about themselves:

1. Oh, my resolutions aren’t much. What are you most excited about doing in the new year?
2. Oh, I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’d love to hear more about your resolution to summit Everest wearing a Pikachu costume, though!
3. Me? I’m not much of a resolution person. But I would really appreciate getting your input on [X] right now if you have a minute.

4. Me? My resolution is to [proceed to fake your death and run away forever].*

   *You only get to do this once in your life, so save it for an especially uncomfortable situation.

Option 3: Scripts for pushing back with individuals

If you want to and feel comfortable, you can push back on the idea of food-, weight-, and exercise-based resolutions. Maybe Blarblara won’t stop talking about CrossFit and her #swolejourney and you need to say something (in a professional and friendly way). Here are some options:

1. I prefer not talking about [food, exercise, weight, whatever] at work. Could we discuss [work-related thing] instead?
2. It sounds like [your #swolejourney, eating Brussels sprouts at every meal, etc.] is really important to you, but discussing personal choices about [diet, exercise, etc.] makes me uncomfortable.
3. I’m glad you find this way of eating helpful for you, but I don’t want to know how many [calories, points, grams of fat, etc.] are in this food.
4. It would help me if you didn’t mention [how many minutes you exercised, how many calories this workout burned, how ‘healthy’ this food is, etc.]. Can we talk about something else?
5. Please stop.

6. Cease bothering me with your puny, mortal concerns. I am focused on greater things, like the coming intergalactic war.*

   *Remember to say this in a firm, but friendly tone. Even though your coworkers don’t know about Hrgaxxxxor and their fleet of planet-destroying mantaships, your colleagues still deserve professional treatment.

Option 4: Scripts for questioning workplace initiatives

If your boss or your organization’s wellness team are encouraging people to publicly set resolutions for the new year that deal with your health, you have options for pushing back! You can always choose to set a very boring goal like, “drink water every day” or “don’t get scurvy.” But if you want to see a program go down, there are professional ways to question the existence of the program. As Alison Green at Ask a Manger points out, pushing back as a group has a greater chance of success, so gather allies if you can!

One of my favorite strategies is asking an innocent question that invites people to articulate their reasons but also gives them a chance to question what’s going on. The key is asking cheerfully and with genuine curiosity. Here are some examples:

1. How does setting health resolutions relate to our work?
2. What results are you hoping to see from this?
3. Is anyone tracking whether or not we follow through on these? Why?

While I enjoy questions because they invite conversation and don’t put people on the defensive right away, sometimes you might want to be more assertive in your approach. You might want to use a simple statement that calls out the weirdness in the moment without going into a whole TED Talk about diet and exercise being inappropriate workplace topics:

1. Wow, that’s a really private thing I’m being asked to share!
2. Resolutions can be very personal and sensitive, so I don’t think we should ask people to share theirs.
3. People might think we’re asking them to share private health information, and I know we don’t want to do that, so maybe another activity would be a good idea.

Option 5: Shenanigans

I saw people on Twitter coming up with words that would describe their goal for the year, and all I could think of was “Burn it all” (which—I KNOW— is three words). If that’s your current mood, here are some suggestions.

Disclaimer: These suggestions are made in jest, and while I think you could get away with some, I don’t recommend using any of them, except for the Cow Key one. Please use that one and report back on how it worked.

1. Every time Chardington talks about keto, bring up how you’re eating Keto 2.0: Keto Harder, and give him a pitying glance.
2. If everyone in your workplace is into running, loudly and frequently talk about how you’re training for the Cow Key Channel Bridge Run. Say “Yeah, I ran 10 today before work. Barely broke a sweat!”
3. Make up point values for your food and see how many points you can get in a day. Change the point values at random, and get very excited about new high scores. Keep a spreadsheet.

   The next time you play a game, consider trying out Jacksonville Style. pic.twitter.com/X9kYLVySku

   — The Good Place (@nbcthegoodplace) May 26, 2019

4. Tell everyone you’re doing a cleanse that requires you to skip meetings for a month.
5. Make a flag that says “Liberté, égalité, fraternité” and when people ask you what you’re doing, say you got resolutions and revolutions confused. Then cross out all of the month names on the office calendar and invent new ones.
6. Post printouts of “New Year: New Gnu” all over your workplace in an absurdist act of protest. People will be confused, but isn’t that the first step on the road to enlightenment?